On the future

I haven't been this scared
In a long time
And I'm so unprepared
So here's your valentine...
-Blink 182

Hey everyone, I know the updating has been kinda thin lately, but it's not because I've been bored, but quite the opposite! To be honest, I've been getting busier, spending more time studying at the library for Arabic and a few small assignments due for next week. I've been spending entire days on campus doing work and sifting through Ghana's infamous bureaucracy and it's all stressing me out, but I think that's part of the process of integrating here...

I'm getting stressed out about a lot of things, I find. Since I've been in Ghana for about six weeks, I've had a lot of time to learn and grow (and I'm definitely doing both), but also a lot of time to contemplate my future here, when I get home and what I want to do with my life. And I've been probably thinking too much!

The thing about the future is that you can't see it, no matter what sort of educational or vocational path you try to take. I think that a lot of university students feel somewhat like myself on this one. For me, it's terrifying, but sometimes it's that healthy terror (like what one gets when riding in an African taxi) that makes life interesting. For example, I've got my heart set on getting a Masters degree one day, which I can probably afford. Where do I want to go to get it? Do I really want to study development? I still have a very small list of accomplishments that can be useful in the world of development as it stands, but I need more to be considered for a job. I'd love to have a job with a group like OXFAM or Engineers Without Borders and help people in whatever capacity that I can. Will I ever get a job doing something like that? I really can't say. I'll bust my ass to try and get to that point, but if that falls through, what else could I put my talents to? What talents do I even have?

I also worry about how I will provide for myself and family. Maleaha is studying social work, and between the salaries of a developer and social worker, we wouldn't exactly be living the high life! But if that wasn't sustainable, I'd be fine having a job in the Canadian government doing policy or doing whatever, as long as I could provide for my family's needs. My parents did such a fantastic job with me that I feel an obligation to do just as well - and that's a tall order!

Going to Africa was the right decision, for sure. While I deeply miss Ottawa, Markham, friends, family (my heart aches for you all) and the comforts that I've enjoyed all my life, I'm learning by leaps and bounds about how the world really works - and it's mind-boggling. I also believe firmly that I'm being called to be here. Many Christian missionaries talk about a "calling" and I'm starting to understand how they feel, even if I don't think that God is giving me a comprehensive plan to follow.

The important thing for me to do now is not think too far ahead, because then I just get anxious. I have to take it a little bit at a time and now worry so much, because while I can steer myself in certain directions, I can't write out a script for my life. Maybe my calling is to help third world development, but maybe I'm just here to see things and be aware of them. Besides, I have to remind myself that I'm only 20 years old. I'll probably graduate at 22 and I don't think I'll rush myself into grad studies so soon. I have a lot of time to figure things out, in reality, so I shouldn't be putting so much pressure on myself.

On the upside, I have a meeting with a man from a group called Third World Network Africa, which deals with policy on trade, gender issues and the environment. I told him that I want to get involved and hopefully he'll be able to find me something. Is this what I've been waiting for? Maybe so, maybe not. I guess we'll see. Tomorrow never knows...